In Church or In Christ? (Lessons from John Wesley’s Aldersgate experience)
Robert Wurtz II
Examine yourselves as to whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Do you not know yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?—unless indeed you are disqualified. (2 Corinthians 13:5 NKJV)
The renowned Evangelical theologian J.I. Packer, in his book Evangelism and the Sovereignty of God, reminds us that “Aspiration, resolution, and religiosity are no substitutes for faith. Martin Luther and John Wesley had all these long before they had faith.” This is a sobering consideration, but a true one.
One of the primary strategies of evangelists in the era leading up to the 20th century was to call into question the hearer’s assurance of salvation. We do not hear preaching like this in the main stream, so it is necessary to experience it for ourselves in order to understand the effect it would have on the hearer. George Whitefield (1714-1770) began his soul-searching sermon with this standard type of enquiry:
And, I think, if I know anything of mine own heart, my heart’s desire, as well as my prayer to God, for you all, is, that I may see you sitting down in the kingdom of our heavenly Father. But then, though we all hope to go to heaven when we die, yet, if we may judge by people’s lives, and our Lord says, “that by their fruits we may know them,” I am afraid it will be found, that thousands, and ten thousands, who hope to go to this blessed place after death, are not now in the way to it while they live. Though we call ourselves Christians, and would consider it as an affront put upon us for anyone to doubt whether we were Christians or not; yet there are a great many, who bear the name of Christ, that yet do not so much as know what real Christianity is. Hence it is, that if you ask a great many, upon what their hopes of heaven are founded, they will tell you that they belong to this, or that, or the other denomination, and part of Christians, into which Christendom is now unhappily divided. If you ask others, upon what foundation they have built their hope of heaven, they will tell you, that they have been baptized, that their fathers and mothers, presented them to the Lord Jesus Christ in their infancy; and though, instead of fighting under Christ’s banner, they have been fighting against Him, almost ever since they were baptized, yet because they have been admitted to church, and their names are in the register book of the parish, therefore they will make us believe, that their names are also written in the book of life. But a great many, who will not build their hopes of salvation upon such a sorry rotten foundation as this, yet if they are, what we generally call, negatively good people; if they live so as their neighbors cannot say that they do anybody harm, they do not doubt but they shall be happy when they die; nay, I have found many such die, as the Scripture speaks, “without any hands in their death.” And if a person is what the world calls an honest moral man, if he does justly, and, what the world calls, love a little mercy, is now and then good-natured, reaches out his hand to the poor, receives the sacrament once or twice a year, and is outwardly sober and honest; the world looks upon such an one as a Christian indeed, and doubtless we are to judge charitably of every such person. There are many likewise, who go on in a round of duties, a model of performances, that think they shall go to heaven; but if you examine them, though they have a Christ in their heads, they have no Christ in their hearts.
This opening statement was designed to call to question whether or not one was truly converted. It asks the question, “On what is your hope built?” This was akin to John the Baptist saying, “God is able of these stones to raise up children unto Abraham. And now the axe is laid to the root of the tree; every tree that does not bring forth good fruit will be hewn down and cast into the fire.” It matters not your affiliation or pedigree, but whether or not you have truly repented and trusted Christ. Have you begun in the Spirit? Does your life yield the fruit of the Holy Spirit? This is the true evidence that one has passed from death unto life.[1]
John Wesley
George Whitefield had a dear friend named John Wesley (1703-1791). As a child Wesley had been saved from a fiery building and true to form he was indeed a man “plucked from the burning.” He became an Anglican priest in England that had studied at Christ Church, Oxford. There he helped found the “Holy Club” along with his brother Charles and George Whitefield. This was the beginning of the Methodists. He traveled to the Colonies to do a work for God, only to realize on the ship and in a raging storm that he was not truly converted himself. As shocking as that may seem, this man at the age of 35, that was raised to know the Word of God at his mother’s knee, had all his life trusted in his own righteousness for salvation. He wrote in his journal:
All the time I was at Savannah, Georgia I was thus beating the air. Being ignorant of the righteousness of Christ, which by a living faith in him brings salvation “to everyone that believeth,” I sought to establish my own righteousness, and so labored in the fire all my days. I was now, properly under the Law; I knew that the Law of God was spiritual; I consented to it, that it was good. Yea, I delighted in it, after the inner man. Yet was I carnal, sold under sin. Every day was I constrained to cry out, “What I do, I allow not; for what I would, I do not; but what I hate, that I do. To will is indeed present with me; but how to perform that which is good, I find not. For the good which I would, I do not, but the evil which I would not, that I do.[2]
He admitted that he was neither freed from sin, nor did he have the witness of the Holy Spirit. His own diagnosis was that he had sought these things by the works of the Law and not the hearing of faith. All the while, the ministry went on. He wrote, “And I continued preaching and following after and trusting in that righteousness, whereby no flesh can be justified.” Returning home, he diligently sought the Lord. He renounced his own righteousness. He added:
During this whole struggle between nature and grace, (which had now continued above ten years,) I had many remarkable returns to prayer; especially when I was in trouble. I had many sensible comforts, which are indeed no other than short anticipations of the life of faith. But I was still under the law, not under grace: (the state most who are called Christians are content to live and die in).[3]
Wesley struggled for a while coming to a place of complete trust in the finished work of Christ. Herein is the Reformers position of man’s estate before God validated—in that man is helpless in his own strength to reform himself sufficiently to become a child of God. Repentance? Wesley had much of it. Sorrow for sin? Wesley had it in superabundance. A desire to do what was right in the sight of the Lord? Indeed, Wesley burned with a desire for righteousness but he was going about it his own way. God had to arrest his attention and bring a great light upon the subject. It was on that ship somewhere in the vast expanse of the Atlantic Ocean that God brought him into reality. As the Roman soldiers and prisoners in Acts 27, Wesley experienced the fear of imminent death by drowning in darkness. The whole experience must have been a foretaste of hell. He didn’t want to die like this—in fear rather than faith. As the Moravians prayed and sang peacefully in the ship Wesley’s nerves were frayed like no other time. All of his life he had done as the shipmaster in Acts 27, doing everything he could to get rid of things that offend. He bolstered his “ship” with all kinds of earthly disciplines, but in the midst of the sea, the chords that held his soul secure were melted before this flame. When it seemed that all of his life was destined for one massive shipwreck, he arrived in the place where God could really save him. John Wesley continues his testimony:
God prepared Peter Border for me as soon as I came to London, affirmed of true faith in Christ, (which is but one,) that it had those two fruits inseparably attending it, “Do minion over sin, and constant peace from a sense of forgiveness.” I was quite amazed and looked upon it as a new Gospel. If this was so, it was clear, I did not have faith. But I was not willing to be convinced of this. Therefore I disputed with all my might and labored to prove that faith might be where these were not; especially where the sense of forgiveness was not: for all the Scriptures relating to this I had been long since taught to construe away and to call all “Presbyterians” who spoke otherwise. Besides, I well saw, no one could (in the nature of things) have such a sense of forgiveness, and not feel it. But I felt it not. If then there was no faith without this, all my pretensions to faith dropped at once.[4](emphasis added)
One morning Wesley woke up and opened his Bible to the passage, There are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises, even that you should be partakers of the divine nature(2 Peter 1:4). Returning later he opened to another verse, you are not far from the Kingdom of God. In the evening, he went to hear a message. The experience he describes would mark a radical change in his life:
In the evening I went very unwillingly to a society in Aldersgate street, where one was reading Luther’s preface to the Epistle to the Romans. About a quarter before nine, while he was describing the change that God works in the heart through faith in Christ, 1 felt my heart strangely warmed. I felt I did trust in Christ, Christ alone, for salvation; and an assurance was given me, that He had taken away my sins, even mine, and saved me from the law of sin and death. I began to pray with all my might for those who had in a more especial manner despitefully used me and persecuted me. I then testified openly to all there what I now first felt in my heart.[5]
This marked John Wesley’s conversion. It is commonly referred to as his Aldersgate experience. He was 35 years old. It is instructional for those who may have been involved in Christianity all of their lives and yet have not truly been born of the Spirit. Examine yourselves as to whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Do you not know yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?—unless indeed you are disqualified. (2 Corinthians 13:5 NKJV)
[1]The Apostle John deals with this subject in 1 John 3. Here we have a list of qualities that we may “know” if we are passed from death to life or not. The means by which we pass from death to live are given in John 5:24. The question becomes, have you believed in such a way that you have passed from death unto life? This is not a mental assent to doctrinal points but the placing of ones faith in trust completely in Christ in such a way that He can believe us.
[2]John Wesley, The Journal of the Rev. John Wesley Volume I, January, 1738, 1827, P. 94-96 See also Romans 7.
I’ve been reading many your blog and almost feel despair that I am not saved (I have had uncertainty in one way or another for 16 years). I have no witness of the Spirit, though I pray for it often and I repent as best I can. Because of the length of the struggle, I have a hard time feeling like I love God and Christ (though I want to). What should I do?
Hi Mark, it is good to work out our own salvation with fear and trembling (Philippians 2:12). This doesn’t mean that we live in a constant state of fear but that we are constantly aware of our need to walk with God through this life and refrain from sins that could damn our soul. If we walk in the light as He is in the light we have fellowship with God and the blood of Christ cleanses us from all sin. If we are doing that we don’t have to fear being lost. But there is no such thing as an assurance that we can get from the Lord that frees us from our need to work out our own salvation with fear and trembling. Why? Because we are always subject to backsliding or falling into some kind of damnable sin. If we live in the flesh we will no inherit the kingdom of God (Galatians 5:19-21). The world and the Devil are forever luring us back iinto a state of rebellion and sin. They are forever attacking our faith to get us to turn away from God. That’s his goal. This life is a warfare for our very souls and we have to be vigilant and sober. So keep on trusting in Christ and keeping Him as your Lord and Savior. Live a life of obedience to His word. Be submissive to His dealings. Have a listen to this message I recently preached and let me know what you think. God bless, Robert https://youtu.be/48gvASaxQiE?si=f2HuAL0sev0-7Kq8
Thank you Robert.
I appreciated the message, especially the part about overcoming by the blood of Jesus.
As far ad I know, I am not given over to practicing serious sins, but I deduct many a sinful attitude in my heart.
I find it very hard to hold fear and love of God in tension. I know I certainly fear God, though this is often in a way that results in dread and cooling of love for him.
I have a hard time believing in God’s love for me, even though I know scripture attests to it.
Hi Mark,
It may be a good exercise to take a concordance or your favorite Bible app and search the word love in the New Testament where man is the object of God’s love. You will be stunned how few verses there are in this regard. In fact, the word love is not used one time in Acts. They turned the world upside down and they never preached the “God loves you” message that has characterized the modern gospel.
God has already demonstrated His love towards us in that while we were still in rebellion against Him — Christ died for us. The fact that we have an opportunity to be saved, which is far more than the angels that sinned (whom He cast down to Tartarus the deepest pit of Hell), is ample evidence of His loving kindness. Even John 3:16 links God’s love towards humanity with Christ’s death on the cross.
When you speak of the fear of God and the love of God in tension it sounds almost like you want God to love you unconditionally in the absolute sense so that you never have to fear His wrath. This is impossible. Our covenant relationship with God is dependent on our obedience. We are supposed to be loving Him with all of our heart, soul, mind and strength and our neighbor as ourselves. This is a summary of the OT. When we disobey God we break the covenant and when that happens there has to be a means of mending that covenant relationship. That’s what the temple cultus (blood sacrifice) was in the OT. Consider the texts below:
Jhn 14:21 (ESV) Whoever has my commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves me. And he who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and manifest myself to him.”
Jhn 14:22 Judas (not Iscariot) said to him, “Lord, how is it that you will manifest yourself to us, and not to the world?”
Jhn 14:23 Jesus answered him, “If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him.
You will notice that both God’s love for us and His presence are linked to obeying His commands. This is totally different than what is preached in the main stream. Obedience is the key to everything including receiving the Holy Spirit (Acts 5:32).
We are commanded to love God, but when we consider all He has done for us in forgiving our sins our response should be to love Him. I have many messages on this theme… one of which is on YouTube called “the threshing floor of Arnon.” Even Romans 12:1-2 focuses on our response to God’s love for us in Christ’s death, burial, and resurrection.
However, if our attitude is that “I’ll love God when He unconditionally loves me” we are in error. God hates all workers of iniquity (Psalm 5:5) and will condemn them to everlasting punishment (Matt 7:23, Luke 13:27). He is angry with the wicked every day (Psalm 7:11).
Jhn 15:9 As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love.
Jhn 15:10 If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love.
Jhn 15:11 These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.
Each moment of our lives we decide whether we will abide in His love by living a life of obedience (just as He lived a life of obedience to His Father) or reject His love by a life of disobedience. We have an advocate with the Father if we sin, but the New Covenant exists to bring us into a state of full salvation from sin and complete obedience. If we have this thing in the back of our minds that we may want to go back to sin and am somehow angry or resentful towards God for what may be the consequence of doing that—the problem is not with God it’s with us. He demands obedience, full stop. And He does not apologize or soften it. Neither do I.
The wrestling with this for so long has caused me to doubt the love and goodness of God.
I have been reading more from your archive. I have noticed that on this blog you tend to only write about judgement, warnings, punishment and God’s anger. I’m sure you have your reasons for doing so, or maybe I’ve not read enough.
Either way, it has once again forced me to have to fight a great wave of panic and despair.
I can’t know for certain, but I’d wager that the kind of people that come upon blogs such as this tend not to be those who are careless, lawless and into “easybelievism”. I expect they tend to be more like me – people who are struggling with their faith.
Please don’t take this as negatively towards you. I am just being sincere.
Hi Mark,
No worries. I don’t take it in any negative way. I’m reminded of Paul who the believers at Corinth… For some say, “His letters are weighty and forceful, but in person he is unimpressive and his speaking amounts to nothing.” (2 Cor. 10:10 NIV) Most of my youtube sermons are pastoral and may come off as weak. Most of my youtube documentaries strike a very serious tone. Although I have around 900 articles on various websites around the web going back 20+ years (sermonindex.net, blogger, ochristian.com, et. al.), the purpose of this blog (around 500 articles) and my Blogger Blog (the other girdedmind closer to 800 articles) is to “gird up the loins of our minds.” I have written two books on love that are available on Amazon (Love in Crisis and The Love You Had at First). That’s not an advert, it’s just additional context. Love is a vital topic that I cover often in one way or the other. But again, this blog is to “gird up the loins of our minds” and think soberly.
You will notice the Roman Soldier depicting a believer “standing” and ready for battle. We might say, “standing in the ‘evil day.'” Most of my “girded mind” articles address issues of serious concern or insights I may wish to share. As I encounter bad behavior or things that I see that threaten the Saints or the churches I search out the scriptures or history for answers and write about it. I do write on love. Some of the most unique and insightful messages I have deal with love. In fact, I view the fire in the Old Testament as a picture of God’s love–without which we are not qualified to minister on His behalf. Our motivation must be the love of God.
Here are some articles to consider. The first two I think you may find helpful.
https://thegirdedmind.org/2020/11/29/the-forgiveness-we-need-2/
https://thegirdedmind.org/2020/04/29/an-example-to-all-believers/
https://thegirdedmind.org/2023/04/01/let-god-be-true/
https://thegirdedmind.org/2021/06/09/love-and-the-sacred-fire/
https://thegirdedmind.org/2021/05/07/love-the-ligaments-of-his-body/
https://thegirdedmind.org/2020/12/07/from-death-to-love/
Blessings,
Robert
Hi Robert
I am thankful for your continued dialogue and patience.
You said:
“When you speak of the fear of God and the love of God in tension it sounds almost like you want God to love you unconditionally in the absolute sense so that you never have to fear His wrath.”
One sense I’m tempted to say of course that’s how I feel. Hell is a horrible doctrine that C.S. Lewis said was the one he’d most willingly remove from Christianity. Don’t you feel that way?
However, I recognise that God’s wrath is and must be real if he is to deal with sin and wishing it were not so is like wishing one could walk through a fire and not be burned.
However, I find it hard not to picture God as pointing a massive gun down at us and saying “obey me, OR ELSE!”
Perhaps I can respond in the way of questions:
– If obedience is key, how do I know whether or not I’m obeying enough? There are many, many commandments in the New Testament. Should I print off a list of them and measure myself against each one? One percentage is enough me for me not to be going to hell? 80, 90, 100%?
– If I find myself falling short, what’s the solution? Is it to try harder, do more and be more resolved?
– How does this differ from essentially earning salvation through our works?
– As I said, I have difficulty loving God and feeling like I love him. How can I remedy this?
To preempt a possible response to that last question, I know scripture talks about loving through obedience and I recognise that important fact. However, it must be more than that – one can imagine a person in a country run by a tyrannical regime (e.g. North Korea). He obeys all the rules of the state to keep himself out of trouble, but that doesn’t mean he loves the despotic leader.
I am deeply ashamed to say that this is how I sometimes felt about God.
Hi Mark,
It’s no worries at all. Glad to help. I think the fundamental issue is that our minds have to come into agreement with God and his will. This is something that I emphasize a lot. In Romans 12:2 Paul speaks of renewing our mind that we may “approve” of that good and perfect will of God. Many translations have “prove“ but it’s actually “approve.“ So my question would be, what, if any, of the commandments of Christ do you not agree with? Are there any that you feel like He got it wrong? It seems that the only possible way there could be conflict in this regard is if there’s something God is commanding that you don’t agree with.
Back in the late 90s I took around four semesters of the 613 laws of the Old Testament. All of this can be boiled down to loving the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength and your neighbor is yourself. If we walk in love towards God and our fellow man, we will fulfill the law. This is effectively what all of the commandments that came from the Father boil down to. If we will walk in the Spirit, we are not under the law, and we will fulfill the law and live a life that is pleasing to God. If we live after the flesh, we will die. That is the simplicity of it.
My perspective of God‘s “demanding obedience” is much more practical. God is not a tyrant that is demanding blind obedience, but has demonstrated to us in His word, and we see it in our practical life, the wisdom of His commandments. They make sense. One never really appreciates a command until they are on the receiving end of a transgression. For example, “thou shall not steal” does not make sense until somebody steals something that is very precious to us. Or a person may not understand “thou shall not commit adultery” until they come home one day and their spouse has committed adultery. “Thou shall not murder” looks a lot different after someone they loved has been brutally murdered. So on and so forth.
In regards to the command about loving God, all He is asking us is to be faithful to Him. It’s an exclusive relationship just like a husband and wife is exclusive. As a man, I don’t feel like I’m a tyrant because I expect my wife to be faithful. I don’t go around demanding “be faithful!” That is a cynical characterization of marriage. Rather, it’s the nature of a good and loving relationship to be faithful to each other. However, I must also know that if I am unfaithful there will be a consequence. I love my wife with all of my heart but if the day ever comes that I am tempted to stray and if the love I have does not keep me faithful — then the fear of the consequence of unfaithfulness had best kick in or there is going to be disaster. This is the simplicity of our relationship with God. He wants us to have no other gods. I get it. And I can understand how he feels that way and demands it. Satan wants an exclusive relationship too. That’s why he’s trying to lure everyone away from God and keep them from serving him.
Satan and his angels were cast out of Heaven because of their rebellion. Look at what that has caused in creation. Look at how sin is destructive and causes so much suffering and pain. Hell was not created for man — it was created for the devil and his angels. Keep that in mind. Man chooses to go to hell by following Satan. Though they knew God, they didn’t glorify him as God, but became vain in their imaginations, and God gave them over to a reprobate mind. This is Romans one.
When my children were little, I used to have an illustration while we were driving in the car. I would ask them, “what happens if I follow the car in front of us?” they would answer, “ we will go to their house, daddy we will go to their house, daddy.” so I asked, “what if I’m following the devil?“ Then they would answer “then we will end up at his house, daddy.” so what should I do to prevent this? “ turn around, and go the other way daddy.” that’s a silly illustration, but it worked well for my children. They got it. You’re going to end up at eternal home of whoever you are following. Always remember that.
When we speak of dwelling among the everlasting burnings, it’s interesting to consider that some things are flammable, and some things are not. I heard the illustration given that the reason why some cannot dwell among everlasting burnings is that the chaff in their life continues to burn forever because it was never dealt with in this life. Satan’s chaff can never be dealt with because he is ratified in his rebellion and he will just go on burning because he is flammable so to speak. This is just picture language and a way of looking at it. this life is like a threshing floor, where the chaff is being removed from us so that we might be pure wheat. But if we don’t allow this process, then we will end up in the same state that Satan is in. You will remember that Jesus said that his fan is in his hand and he will thoroughly purge his floor. This is what life is for the Christian. We invite him to do this work in us.
Another thing I try to do is to see sin and all of its horror. Will not the judge of all the earth do right? Satan would have us to believe that God is a tyrant because he wants us to curse God and die the way that he wanted Job to curse God and die. But it’s interesting that at the end of the day you find in scripture that people get the angriest when God does not deal harshly with sin and injustice, but rather shows mercy. Consider Jonah the prophet who got angry with God because he was merciful to the Ninevites (Assyrians). Or consider when Jesus was merciful to the woman taken in the act of adultery. Humankind would like to think that we’re a lot more loving and merciful than God — but I assure you — if many of us were God we would have already annihilated this earth long ago. This is why David begged to fall into the hands of God then not man because man is not merciful — as much as we would like pretend to be. How then shall we critique God for not being merciful enough or suggest that somehow he is unjust? Greater love has no one than this that they would lay down their life for their friends. For A good man someone may risk their life, but God commended his love towards us in that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us. No one can or ever will top that. The devil’s a liar. He knows that God is merciful and good, but he would like to convince you and me otherwise. (edited due to voice text errors)
An extra comment I wanted to add – I’m currently reading Exodus and I can even see God’s goodness and wisdom in the laws he gave the Israelites, even though there are some that seem strange and removed from out culture today (e.g. 2nd part of Exodus 23:19). You mentioned you took some studies on the OT laws. Do you have any resources on that you’d recommend?
Hi Mark, I apologize as I’m usually tied up on Saturdays preparing for Sunday, etc., but I will make a quick comment here and then offer some suggestions for study material.
I believe you are referring in Exodus 23:19 to seething a kid in it’s mothers milk. This has been explained in various ways but typically within Rabbinic Judaism (since Ca.200 AD), Talmudically, it’s interpreted as a prohibition of eating dairy with meat. No cheeseburgers, per the Rabbis. However, I’m not convinced it is a prohibition against a similar pagan practice but prohibiting an attitude of sordid contempt for the relationship between a mother and her young. God designed the mother to provide life-giving sustenance for her offspring with milk that both fed them and bonded them to the mother. For a person to make the life-giving milk the instrument of destruction (prepared for consumption) is warped IMO. I think it’s expressive of God’s loving attitude towards His creatures of which not one sparrow falls to the ground without your Father. I’m not legislating in my comments, I’m just trying to identify the spirit of the law and I think it’s God expecting us to be more sensitive in our ways and not callous enough to cook a baby animal in its own mother’s milk as it were. I have no conviction against eating cheeseburgers because I don’t think that’s the intent. It strikes at the relationship between the mother and offspring and our respect for GOD’s design in making a mothers milk life-giving and not destructive. If that makes sense.
Regarding resources, I recommend e-Sword to everyone. If you have a handheld device you can download it for a small fee and start adding all the free resources. Build your library as you can afford it because good resources are very expensive. I use e-Sword and Accor dance software.
For the Old Testament a good standard is Keil & Delitzsch and it’s free with e-Sword. Adam Clarke is old, but good for some uses. I have some Jewish works, but I don’t go straight to them because most good commentators know that material and incorporate it. At any rate, I try to utilize as many different commentaries that are on a scholarly level that I can afford. In the multitude of counselors, there is safety. Interestingly, enough, I probably look to Matthew Henry, as often as any because of the practical wisdom you find. IVP, WBC, NIGTC, Pulpit, Expositors, and many more.
Regarding my Jewish studies, I did about 3 1/2 years back in the late 90s until my wife became ill with a heart condition. She’s doing better now but I never finished that particular degree. The trouble is that when you study things like Jewish roots, you run into the Messianic movement, which I am not agreeing with in many areas. It was only really a desire to complement my understanding of the scriptures with the Jewish perspective. I never “went to seed” with any of that stuff, but it has been helpful in some areas.
Sorry to ramble on. Have a great night!
Dear Robert
Thanks for the encouragement here. There were keybthings you wrote there that help to dismantle some of these thought patterns Inhave expressed.
I should probably mention what I admit is a strange reality about my faith here, that it kind of operates on two levels (sometimes at the same time). On one level, there is the fear, doubt, discouragement and questions about God’s character that I have mentioned so far. On the the other level, I have a simple trust in God that I exercise each day when I pray, read scripture and attempt to live in a way that would please him. On this level, I treat unworthy thoughts of God for what they are and dismiss them.
This might sound like a contradiction, but it is in fact sort of a battle. On some days one side is winning more than the other.
You asked “what, if any, of the commandments of Christ do you not agree with?”
Honestly, I cannot think of any. I sometimes wrestle with how a particular commandment looks like in my life (such as what it means for me to deny myself and take up my cross etc), but I can’t think of anything fundamentally.
That does not mean that I don’t fall short in many areas though (I’m not talking about deliberate rebellion here or even addiction, but sinful attitudes and inclinations that I detect, chief being difficulty “feeling” like I love God).
I think that also the length of time this struggle with salvation has gone on for has produced some weariness. I still press on though, and live by verses such as John 6:37, John 6:68 & Mark 9:24.